Spoiled Assholes

Last night, my sister and I went to Cable Car Pizza after hitting up the local Desi/hippie party known as Dhamaal. There was this young, ugly-ass corporate-looking mofo sitting at one of the tables, and his friend, who could be similarly described, was at the counter, applying parmesan cheese to his slice. There was this other dude that was going around politely asking people if they had $1.50. Eventually this guy approached ugly corporate mofo #1, who waved him off and said, "Go away, I don't have anything," before the guy even asked. "Could you spare just a little change?" Guy asked. "No, but actually my friend bought me this pizza, he's right over there," he pointed, smirking.

Guy then approached the friend. "Do you have $1.50?" "Actually, I do, but I worked for it, and I suggest you do the same," replied ugly corporate mofo #2. Then he joined the other smirking jackass and they talked loudly about how they get up five days a week to work.

Yeah, I'm sure you've really had to work. Your attitude demonstrates how much you understand the meaning of that word. It's not an easy life, getting charitable handouts from the old boys' network, sitting in an air conditioned building overlooking the city, making money out of money, getting lap dances on the company.

Your sense of entitlement sickens me, you worthless maggots.

What do I even say?

These are from ads on Michelle Malkin's "Immigration Blog."

Let It Bleed

One morning in fifth grade, I was just going about my usual business: brushed my teeth, pulled my pants down to pee...

"Oh my God... I shit in my pants!!!"

I was mortified by my rectal incompetence!

But wait, it didn't really look like shit; it was brown, but it had more of a soupy texture. I didn't know what to do with this, so I just took off my chaddi and presented it to my mom.
At first even she was surprised.

"You didn't get hurt, right?"

"I don't think so; I never felt anything there."

"OK, well... it looks like you got your period."

Oh. I remembered her telling me about this period thing. I would start bleeding every month because later I would have to have a baby, and I couldn't go to the temple when I had this thing, but I thought that was going to be when I was 13 or 14, not 10!

"So what do I do now??"

"Ek minute."

She went to the closet and came back with a small green package.

"This is a maxi-pad. You just tape it to your underwear so it covers the hole where you are bleeding from -- you know, that is where the baby comes from. Do you want me to tape it for you?"

I liked to think of myself as grown up enough to figure things out on my own, so I declined the offer for help and proceeded to the bathroom with my pad.

Common sense has never really been my forte, and I started wondering how I was supposed to get this thing to cover the hole where babies came from. See, I always thought babies came from lower in the stomach. At the bottom of my rolls of baby fat (which have now brazenly assumed the role of adult fat), there was this indentation, which I thought could reasonably expand into a hole if a baby needed to come out. I applied the pad horizontally as I thought it should go and wondered, who designs these things? Why was the tape only attached to the top part of the underwear? Maybe the rest of the tape was for the shirt to go over?

Well, eventually I figured out the right way to wear a pad, but there are many things about these things that I still don't get. Like, why are there so many varieties of them? You have to scan the aisle for several minutes before finding the right kind. I know this is supposed to be the great thing about capitalism -- all this competition! all these choices! -- but who would really choose the short, bulky-ass pad with no wings?!

I also don't get why we have to pay for pads in public restrooms. That may seem obvious, but think about it. We don't pay for toilet paper, right? The government doesn't want us dribbling our piss and smearing our shit everywhere, and it would be kind of ridiculous to carry around wads of toilet paper, so we have it provided in restrooms. Oh, I guess when it's a "female-specific" concern, well, women are either responsible enough or unimportant enough so they don't have to figure into any budget. Maybe that mentality could explain why so many insurance policies will cover Viagra but not birth control.

Well, fuck that! We should stand up to this bullshit. Our bleeding pussies deserve free sanitation too! We shouldn't have to carry around a pad or a tampon or a quarter everywhere we go. I think we should just... bleed. Let's just go around bleeding all over the malls, parks, schools, government buildings, and see how the mothafuckers like that! Let's let our blood gush from every mountaintop, and from sea to shining sea. That's what we have to do, ladies: just let it bleed!

The South Asian FAQ

I frequently get asked many, many questions on account of not being white. This by no means comprehensively addresses the bewilderment that some people express at my degree of pigment, but it does answer some of the more commonly asked questions about my exotic heritage.

1. Where are you from?

The Bay Area.

2. No, like where are you originally from?

The Bay Area.

If you are really trying to discover why I am brown, a better phrasing would be "What is your ethnicity?"

3. When did you come here?

I came out of the womb on the 16th day of the tenth moon in 1980.

4. Do you speak Hindu?

No. Hindu is not a language, just like Christian, Muslim, and Jewish are not languages. Hindi is a language, and I speak it, but not everybody in South Asia does.

5. Are you vegetarian?

I'm a bad vegetarian. I eat seafood, and soups with meat broths, and meat curries/gravies, and many a tasty thing made with animal fat. So basically, I'm not vegetarian, but I don't like tasting chunks of meat. My distaste is not culturally or religiously inspired, though many South Asians do observe dietary restrictions that are influenced by religion, region, or even caste.

6. Are you going to get an arranged marriage?

Probably not. Though, there isn't really one uniform meaning to "arranged marriage." It just means your parents or some elders from the community have been involved in introducing you to the person. It could be as informal as them just giving you the person's contact information and then butting out, or keeping informed about the dating progress, or more heavily regulating and lining up prospective candidates and expecting a prompt decision. Some people are super-traditional/old-school and there could be problems with this, i.e. there have been incidents of forced arranged marriage, and many people in the community view this as a form of family abuse and provide services to help victims.

7. Do you have to marry someone from your caste?

No. Which is not to say my parents would not be delighted if I did, but they are not hell-bent on any particular caste, region, or country. They view it more as a cultural affiliation than a hierarchy per se, although caste is also often tied to class (similar to race in this country), so there is that embedded dynamic. Although the caste system is bullshit, there is a need to retain classifications to mend its effects, again similar to race in this community. People who have been labeled "untouchables" or "backward caste" have transformed caste into a platform for empowerment and solidarity.

8. Why do women wear that red dot?

Because it goes well with a lot of fashions. And it's not always red. Traditionally, women would wear a red dot to signify that they were married, but nobody that you are likely to see will wear it in this manner.

9. Do you know a guy named Raj from Texas?

I know about twelve.

There are more than a billion South Asians around the world, so there is no reason for anyone to think that one would know another. Although, I do end up knowing just about all of them through one or two degrees.

10. Are your parents really conservative?

No. That's a relative concept, of course, but compared to most people in this country, they are definitely not politically conservative. They have been protective with the kids, more so with my older sister than with me, but they are not that old-school.

11. Is your dad a software engineer?

No. He is an engineer though (structural). While many South Asians in this country are of "professional" occupations because of the asshole immigration laws that would only let those people in for many years, there is also a very large working class. Elite bastards wish to deny this and halt the cab driver stereotype, but we do in fact have the same issues and struggles as many other communities of color in this country.

12. Aren't all South Asian men really traditional and possessive?

Some are. There are backward dicks all over the world, eh? Personally, although I would marry neither and hate both, I would rather kick it with a slightly traditional dude than a Howard Stern.

13. Aren't you really old to be South Asian and not married?

According to many people in the community, yes. Norms are definitely shifting though. Among the middle-class South Asian American peeps I know, there are many people well into their thirties and not married. And many gay and out people of a range of ages, who won't be able to get married in most places for a long while.

14. Do you hate Pakistani people?

No. Some dipshit Indians would answer in the positive, and I hate them.

15. Have you seen Monsoon Wedding?

Yes, I loved it! You don't always have to use such culturally sensitive ice-breakers though. I don't tend to mind, but some people would.

16. Did you hear about that South Asian person that just [achieved something extraordinary and/or killed someone]?

No, and unless you know me and know that I am an avid stalker of the subcontinent and her diaspora, it's kind of lame for you to ask me this.

17. Do you wear colored contact lenses?

No. South Asia is a diverse place a range of climates and a history of random migration and colonization, so for whatever reason, some people have eye/skin/hair colors and hair textures that don't look the way you'd expect. Of course, our media-induced beauty ideal is white, so some people would be inclined to getting such things.

18. What tribe are you from?

Wrong people, Columbus.

Though there may be some adivasi "tribes" in the homeland. I'm pretty ignorant of how they identify...

19. Do you eat a lot of curry?

Totally. By the way, "curry" is a generic term, meaning any type of gravy.