Split Pee Soup
Because I eat crap all the time, don't exercise, sleep irregularly, and overall have a preposterously disgusting lifestyle, I suspect I may be at risk for a chronic disease or two. To avoid taking any risks, I asked my physician to hook up some tests, and went down to the lab right after my physical exam this morning.
Most of the conditions I was being tested for required blood samples, so I kicked back and watched the fresh crimson fluids being sucked up from the front of my elbow. Then the lab technician (or whatever they're called) asked me to go to the bathroom and collect a urine sample.
The cup she gave me was barely a goddamn inch in diameter. Having had my vulva freshly probed and prodded by the physician just minutes earlier, I was in no position to whip out a sprightly, singular stream of urine that I could aim into this unseemly test tube.
Why can't they strap a funnel to the toilet bowl and have the goddamn flask affixed at the bottom of that? Hrmph.
Anyway, I crouched over the toilet, first "voiding" a sample of my piss into the toilet as instructed. Then I placed the vial under my pee tunnel, and the stress of the ensuing possible catastrophe caused some erratic splatter onto my hand. After collecting a sufficient sample into the container, I placed it on the floor and proceeded to wipe myself. A stupid scrap of toilet paper then decided to fly smack into the container.
I'm sure that wouldn't have been a problem, but I just didn't feel like inquiring after it or returning to the bathroom in the event that the it were a problem. So I emptied the contents and resumed my crouching tiger posture. But nothing came out. I kept swallowing my spit and thinking of scary things, like spiders, but still, nothing.
Ten minutes later, I decided this was ridiculous. I would just have to tell home girl I had no luck and try again in a few minutes.
I went out and offered a moderately fabricated version of my story to the woman. "I think I voided too much initially," I explained, "Now there's nothing left. Can I have some water?"
After drinking two cups of water, I tried again, still to no avail.
Finally, I just asked for a container to go. I'll just have to drop off my piss later on.
Most of the conditions I was being tested for required blood samples, so I kicked back and watched the fresh crimson fluids being sucked up from the front of my elbow. Then the lab technician (or whatever they're called) asked me to go to the bathroom and collect a urine sample.
The cup she gave me was barely a goddamn inch in diameter. Having had my vulva freshly probed and prodded by the physician just minutes earlier, I was in no position to whip out a sprightly, singular stream of urine that I could aim into this unseemly test tube.
Why can't they strap a funnel to the toilet bowl and have the goddamn flask affixed at the bottom of that? Hrmph.
Anyway, I crouched over the toilet, first "voiding" a sample of my piss into the toilet as instructed. Then I placed the vial under my pee tunnel, and the stress of the ensuing possible catastrophe caused some erratic splatter onto my hand. After collecting a sufficient sample into the container, I placed it on the floor and proceeded to wipe myself. A stupid scrap of toilet paper then decided to fly smack into the container.
I'm sure that wouldn't have been a problem, but I just didn't feel like inquiring after it or returning to the bathroom in the event that the it were a problem. So I emptied the contents and resumed my crouching tiger posture. But nothing came out. I kept swallowing my spit and thinking of scary things, like spiders, but still, nothing.
Ten minutes later, I decided this was ridiculous. I would just have to tell home girl I had no luck and try again in a few minutes.
I went out and offered a moderately fabricated version of my story to the woman. "I think I voided too much initially," I explained, "Now there's nothing left. Can I have some water?"
After drinking two cups of water, I tried again, still to no avail.
Finally, I just asked for a container to go. I'll just have to drop off my piss later on.
posted by Leena @ 10:52 PM
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