Spider Wars
I am in a state of war with a spider in my bathroom. I am sure that to an impartial observer, this image would appear a comical one. Me, this big huge human hulk, versus this tiny scampering cretin. But that mofo has got me pretty bad. This is some pretty serious face-off.
First, the baleful arachnid began vertically weaving its way down from the northwest corner of my bathroom, as I was placidly taking a dump. I could only gape in shock and awe, as though it were a human corpse hanging from my ceiling.
Shamefully, I have to this day never been able to catch a spider, so after completing my task, I solemnly eyed the creature as it made its way across the counter, and resolved to vacuum it up when it eventually reached the floor.
Ten minutes later, the brute was on the lower portion of the wall, about a foot away from the floor, so I thought I could gently drop some toilet paper on top of it in the course of its slow crawling, and it would glide to the floor where I could suck it up. I had to drop the paper from afar, lest the beast somehow leap onto my hand from a closer proximity.
The toilet paper did not even touch the animal.
I made several attempts, until there was a nice collection of wasted toilet paper on the floor, and eventually, it just stopped moving, as if to say, "You pathetic asshole. Here, I'll stop moving for you. Could you please get the paper to hit me now, already?"
I couldn't.
Defeated, I sighed and flopped back on the futon, where my goddamn eye caught the sight of yet another spider. It was on a sheet, so I thought I could just drop the sheet to the floor and vacuum it. But then it crawled to the bare futon -- d'oh -- and since it didn't seem like it planned on venturing to the floor, I raised the vacuum, ready to suck it up on the futon itself, when the motherfucker JUMPED, right onto my laptop case on the floor. I was so terrified, trying to prod and turn the case and catch it scampering out. After 10 minutes of futility in this endeavor, I turned around and noted that the asshole was back on the futon!! I pried away all my belongings, and this time, when it got to the top of the futon, I had the wisdom to just blow on the fucking thing, and then it fell to the floor and I was able to vacuum it up!
One down, one more to go. :(
First, the baleful arachnid began vertically weaving its way down from the northwest corner of my bathroom, as I was placidly taking a dump. I could only gape in shock and awe, as though it were a human corpse hanging from my ceiling.
Shamefully, I have to this day never been able to catch a spider, so after completing my task, I solemnly eyed the creature as it made its way across the counter, and resolved to vacuum it up when it eventually reached the floor.
Ten minutes later, the brute was on the lower portion of the wall, about a foot away from the floor, so I thought I could gently drop some toilet paper on top of it in the course of its slow crawling, and it would glide to the floor where I could suck it up. I had to drop the paper from afar, lest the beast somehow leap onto my hand from a closer proximity.
The toilet paper did not even touch the animal.
I made several attempts, until there was a nice collection of wasted toilet paper on the floor, and eventually, it just stopped moving, as if to say, "You pathetic asshole. Here, I'll stop moving for you. Could you please get the paper to hit me now, already?"
I couldn't.
Defeated, I sighed and flopped back on the futon, where my goddamn eye caught the sight of yet another spider. It was on a sheet, so I thought I could just drop the sheet to the floor and vacuum it. But then it crawled to the bare futon -- d'oh -- and since it didn't seem like it planned on venturing to the floor, I raised the vacuum, ready to suck it up on the futon itself, when the motherfucker JUMPED, right onto my laptop case on the floor. I was so terrified, trying to prod and turn the case and catch it scampering out. After 10 minutes of futility in this endeavor, I turned around and noted that the asshole was back on the futon!! I pried away all my belongings, and this time, when it got to the top of the futon, I had the wisdom to just blow on the fucking thing, and then it fell to the floor and I was able to vacuum it up!
One down, one more to go. :(
posted by Leena @ 11:17 PM
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