Bargaining for time with Desi parents

My mom has selective hearing, always blocking out the second figure in my time span when she asks me what time I will be home. This is why I have a system worked out for when I expect to return after midnight: I give a figure, just ONE figure, well beyond the actual expected time, because I know both of our Desi asses will immediately begin bargaining.

"What time you will be home?"

"I don't know, like 4."

"FOUR??? No, you be home by 12."

"No, maybe 3."

"1."

"2:30."

"No later than 2. Take your cell phone and make sure you have gas."

Having been away during the year, I had forgotten that even a drive to the post office at 2:00pm requires a 10-minute conversation.

"Where are you going?"

"The post office."

"OK, so you will be back in 10 minutes?"

"No, maybe a little later."

"Why? You're just going to Treat, right?"

"No, Meridian Park."

"What? Why Meridian Park? Go to Treat. Have you seen gas prices recently?"

"Yeah but I might want to stop by the mall and look for clothes."

"No, absolutely not, I get nauseous looking at your closet. Look how many clothes you have! And so many that you don't even wear. Come back in 10 minutes and then go through your closet and remove the clothes you don't wear so we can give them to Salvation Army."

"OK, I'll do that later, but I want to find some new tops."

"No later-bater and no new top-bop. You think we are rich? And look how fat you are. Just sleeping and eating all day, don't even wake up to go for a walk in the morning. From tomorrow on I want you to wake up at 8 and come with me for a walk. The morning sun is the best. Lose at least 20 pounds and then think about new clothes. Go to post office on Treat and come back in 10 minutes."

"OK!!!!!!!"

"And make sure you lock the top and bottom lock as you are leaving. One day three months ago you had only locked the bottom. A thief could have come in!"

"But it's the same key for the top and bottom lock. If the thief could have unlocked the bottom one it also could have unlocked the top one."

"Don't get smart with me. Do you have enough gas?"

"Yeah, or I'll fill it."

"OK, and make sure you take your cell phone."