Triple-A Rated

This morning I was determined to go to Civ Pro. The class started at 8:30 and it usually takes me about 20 minutes to drive there, park, and walk to the class, so I left my apartment at 8:31 (better late than never). I put the key in the ignition while bobbing my head to that asshole R. Kelly's track which was playing in my head, when I realized that the key was impotent. I tried twice or thrice more, but my efforts proved frivolous and barren. I called a couple of friends who are more adept in matters of common sense than I, and they recommended calling the Triple-A for a jump start, possibly towing. So I called.

For some reason or another, my parents had taken me off their membership, and my "inactive" status would require a full 24 hours to be re-activated, I was informed by the African-American male customer support representative (thank God for social constructs, as I shall explain later). If my mother were physically present, she would be able to authorize, but I had no power of my own.

I have been known to make my parents drive long distances to bail me out of self-induced unfavorable circumstances, but my parents were now in India, so it would be a bit much to ask of them.

I placed Call #2, this time resolving to impersonate my mother, minus the accent. I figured they probably just had the name and had no reason to know her nationality or age. I decided that if the same customer support representative answered, I should just hang up, since it would be somewhat shady. However, this time it was a not-necessarily-African American female representative, so I proceeded with my treachery. She asked the name, the membership number, the location, the make of the car... so far, so good. Then, out of nowhere, she clarified, "Are you Meena or Leena?" Goddammit. Once the Tow guy came, I could have gotten away with saying I reported the name on the card, not knowing I was not covered, but when asked the specific question, I could not find the heart to commit such perjury. I honestly conceded that I was in fact Leena. She informed me once again that my membership was "inactive" and that my mother would have to call back and authorize. "Oh! She can just call?" I clarified. "Yes, that's fine. My name is Theresa, and your confirmation number is 909."

Woo hoo! Now I just had to muster my best motherly voice and call back. Though the Triple A still had no reason to know of my mother's nationality, I decided an accent would help me out since my voice normally sounds like that of a twelve-year-old raised in The Valley.

This time an African-American female representative answered the phone. I was just lucking the fuck out with the confirmed diversity of my assistants. "Hallo, my daater is outside her apartment in Davis and needs somevun to come there and start her caar... she said I must caall back to authhorize." "Now are you there present with her?" "No, I am not there." "And she's not covered under your membership?" "No." "Well ma'am, we don't do that; someone with a valid membership card needs to be present." "But they said I could caall and authhorize. She spoke with Theraysa. Can I talk to her?" I was frantic and frustrated by this point, my accent fading in and out of the western hemisphere. "I don't know who Theresa is." "The conphirmation number is 909. Please let me talk to her." "OK ma'am, please hold."

While on hold, I decided to fumble with the ignition once again. If the fucking car would just start, I wouldn't need to continue with all this drama. Just as I fumbled for the third time, the representative came back on the line. "Hello?" she said, catching me off guard, and I instinctively responded "Mm hm?" in a very polite, American manner. "Uh... well you've been a long-time customer of ours, so we'll let you authorize this one time, but in the future you'll need to have your daughter added to the membership. Now is this the mother or the daughter?" "Oh, it is the mother," I assured. "OK, so they'll be out from Jimmy's Auto in 30 minutes or less." "OK, thank you waaaary much," I gushed, and that was that.